You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
