I haven't been this sober since birth.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
