Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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