I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
