We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
not ubering you a puppy
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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