I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
