maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I want a musical about memes.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
