I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
