I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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