i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
