Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
