Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Mom said you looked used
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
