I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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