Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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