you inspire me to be a worse person
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
