and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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