Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
