I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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