I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
