is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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