i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
