Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We need to get me chipped asap
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
