so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
