oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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