There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Found your dick twin last night
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
