I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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