So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
