i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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