The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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