the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We left the knife in your bed.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
