never play flip cup with pint glasses
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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