; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
