You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Randomize
