It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
