im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I faked an abortion last night.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
