Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
