JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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