never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Drunk is not a location!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
