was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
