I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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