you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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