using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
