So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
