She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
