someone get that fucking seahorse.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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