you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
