I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
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