someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
