do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
