Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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