Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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