1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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