Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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