i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
